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Mike Luttrell Trucking P. Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Joel , Crow , Servo: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! It Conquered the World [ edit ] Snow Thrills short [ edit ] [Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports. Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay. And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! Yeah, well, you're full of skit. Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.
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I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail. It's been years since anyone's believed me. Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage. A personal friend of yours? The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. You will bow down before me! He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes.
There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. Guiron [ edit ] [The movie credits show: Here comes old flattop George Harrison will sue you!
Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. Hey, what happened to my hair? The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! They ate my hair? I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles! She walks away, crestfallen. Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? No, and there's no use to ask her I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! Servo, Crow, and Joel: So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up.
That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. Servo [as Tom's Mother]: I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! Thanks, but I'm in a hurry.
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Hello, and thank you! Thank you for going. Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Shut up and keep driving! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Using Your Voice short [ edit ] Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale Now, remember these three points: Oh, and you must have a wire rack. Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well Crow [as Man 1]: Now, let's look at another typical example. This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing. Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when Crow [as Man 2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin' I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do So that's what happened to him!
Is this a— Servo: No, no, no— S-F-X, Joel. We'll scuttle the story and run her aground.
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We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! Teenage Caveman [ edit ] Aquatic Wizards short [ edit ] Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all. He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Forget about life-jackets this is The 50's. Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. Joel [as Ted Husing]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx ]: Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. Mine is a noble race! Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. Hurting the people you know and love? Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears.
It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys? Teenage Caveman movie [ edit ] [A desolate prehistoric valley is shown. How green was my valley? This script is like a telephone directory! But not as interesting. The high school after high school! Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence. Your Period and Mine: Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well. Servo [as Matronly Woman]: I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe! She consulted Robert McNamara. She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. Now let's get out of here. I mailed it to myself! It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner! We're gonna have a great time! We're gonna be pals! Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho? It's the Woodstock of the 50s!
Vic Damone's on next. Joel [as audience member]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen. Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.
How do Pop-Tarts work? What are you doing to major in, Helen? What are you going to take, Jean? I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. Because I can't do. We have to be subjugated to men?! What is "Home Economics"? Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now Hey, it's Abbey Road. Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]: Here we come, walking down the street It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.
And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina. It won't be easy getting into this place. How will we do it? Wha— wait a minute. Where have I seen this before? Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away? War of the Colossal Beast [ edit ] Mr.
B Natural short [ edit ] [Confused about a name in the opening credits] Joel: Am I glad to see you! Well, it's not mutual! Knew your father, I did! Hey, leave my father out of this! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. Yeah, you were the snake! The spirit of music's inside all of you. Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit [At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches. Got it from the Franklin Mint! I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay But that's not due for two weeks!
I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". Better wait 'til he calls on me, though Yeah, calls for Satan. Nah, I better get upstairs, and Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read. Why does my kid have to be such a dud? Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you!
That's me , B Natural! You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. Crow [as Jerry Lewis ]: B Natural is talking about joining the school band. And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. The glamour of the uniform The thrill of traveling for a band competition The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! B, what would you know about dignity? B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.
You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know? Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Forget music, I wanna dance! B dances to some music. It's really fun to be psychotic.
B appears in the music store and begins talking. That's what I do all day. Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong. Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. This trumpet is flatlining! Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol. Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.
War of the Colossal Beast movie [ edit ] [Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road. Take one down, pass it around, 99 years of solitude! Could this be Glen's? No, no, the whorl pattern is completely wrong.
Glen was sixty feet tall. Think there's a connection? That's right, Bert , spare us nothing. The Unearthly [ edit ] Posture Pals short [ edit ] [as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears. Avis Films, we try harder. The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.
My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. And these four children are especially important about the four things. The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. Hey, who wouldn't be? That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs.
But they are not happy with what they see. They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! For Tommy is indeed surprised Hey, and let me tell ya Now Jimmy is disturbed to see That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. Just like his dad on Friday night! And what gives Jane her worried frown? Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree.
All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. Our Mary is a happy girl She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham. Arms swing easily at the sides. Here, she re-enacts her first DUI. Doesn't Bombo look tired? Yes, very much so. No, no, no, no! Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other. Tommy reminds Jimmy— Joel: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. Tommy drew a bong! At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test. Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.
And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood. Then Mary's head is lit on fire!
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And the other three children win the other posture crowns. Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. Appreciating Our Parents short [ edit ] [Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet. Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.
The Unearthly movie [ edit ] [The camera focuses on Dr. Conway lantern-jawed John Carradine as he reassures new patient Grace. Hey, John — why the long face, pal? Conway's office for an appointment. Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie. Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! I can't think of anything else!
Time for go to bed! Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied. His story has a better plot than this movie I wanna decide who lives and who dies! For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars! Now, go to sleep! Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
I want to see more toys! No, go to sleep! Will you buy me a Golden Globe , then? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup. The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids. We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… Dr. You… hocked… my… Rolex. Well, it's the thought that counts. I bet it's a book! Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
This is the sheriff's office! You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. I'm going off duty for the day.
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Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. You got a warrant, sheriff? Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere The old man hired you? I am not for hire. We are all for hire. The dark times have gone. You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Now for the fun part We'll be the judge of that. Crow [as TV announcer]: A Quinn Martin production. Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
Take a turn here on Steven J. Don't tell me why they're following us. Well, here's a surprise Oh, ninjas never had those. He knows Doug Henning. I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. The Castle of Fu Manchu [ edit ] Crow: Staring contest on the left. Oh Max, a long day. You're a wry wit. You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.
Season 4 [ edit ] Space Travelers [ edit ] [The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen] Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! See all 29, stores that offer promo codes. See all stores that offer military discounts. See all stores that offer senior discounts. See all 28 stores that accept competitor coupons. See all 45, stores that offer contact information. See all 3, stores that offer money-back guarantee.
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